Some of you might think the only fun, educational items on the Internet are pictures of cats.
Not so. Right behind cats, the next biggest category of “stuff” on the Internet is advice about various topics and trends you probably didn’t know you needed help dealing with, and the always popular “strange news.” I spent a few hours last weekend cruising through various sites on the Interweb, and found the following random bits of advice, counsel and oddities.
• “Worst States for Retirees.” Those would be the state of denial about getting older and the state of confusion that comes with getting older.
• “Marijuana Will Be the Single Best Investment Idea of the Next Decade.” Coming in a close second will be Betty Crocker Brownie Mix and Cheetos.
• “Revamp Your Bathroom in 10 Easy Steps.” Step 1: hire a contractor. Steps 2 through 10: go on vacation.
• “Upside Down Shower: Ground Up Design for Decks and Yards.” A cheap excuse for showing photos of tanned, trim and fit folks frolicking around outside in skimpy swimming suits.
• “Seven Reasons Why Happy Wives Have Happy Husbands.” Reasons 1 through 7: He does everything she says with joy in his heart, a skip in his step, and a smile on his face.
• “My Kid’s School Banned Cupcakes. So What?” Never could figure out how to make tasty cupcakes, eh?
• “Man Declared Dead Wakes Up in Body Bag.” Must have heard that semi-naked people were taking showers on his lawn.
• “Denver Art Museum Makes Good on Superbowl Bet.” They are sending “The Bronco Buster,” a Fredrick Remington bronze statue, to Seattle, where it will rust. Duh. What did Seattle bet? A moldy raincoat and a depressing painting of clouds? Umm, yes, there’s still a bit of residual anger over that Superbowl Bronco Busting.
• “University of Utah Police Knock Down Pot Igloo.” No, it wasn’t an igloo made of pot, it was a snow and ice structure where students were smoking pot. And trying to buy stock in Betty Crocker Brownie Mix over the Internet.
• “The Must-Know Trick for Poached Eggs.” Don’t eat them.
• “What the Happiest Couples Do Before Breakfast.” If it doesn’t include brushing their teeth, we don’t want to know.
• “Nine New Ways to Use Your Cupcake Pan.” Since you can’t make cupcakes for school, maybe you can use it to scoop up snow for an igloo.
• “Hedonistic Fury Awaits as Rio Gears Up for Carnival.” Once again, nothing but an excuse to run photos of sort-of-nude people, this time they are in costumes. Skimpy little costumes. Exotic, skimpy little costumes. Did you get the sort-of-nude part?
• “Great Ideas for Shelves.” There’s more than putting stuff on them?
“The 8 Biggest Belly Bloaters.” How about 7 Betty Crocker Brownies and 1 bag of Cheetos.
• “How to Take Risks with Paint.” Change the color and don’t tell the wife.
• “These Spices Make You Slimmer, Smarter, Happier.” So there’s no excuse for being fat, dumb and sad.
(Jon Klusmire of Bishop would rather give advice than take it.)