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Significant Details: Advice in advance of Mother’s Day

May 8, 2014

It’s nearly impossible to ruin one of those mushy, sentimental Mother’s Day cards, but it can be done if you also use the card to give Mom a little written “update” about your life or otherwise “catch up on a few things.” (Heaven forbid that you pick up the phone and call your mother.)
So, here are a few things that absolutely do not, repeat, do not belong on the inside flap of the mush missive you deliver to Mom on Mother’s Day.
“Mom: I have finally freed myself from the life-draining mental trauma and psychic damage caused by your cruel, overbearing ‘mothering style.’ But for me to achieve ‘closure’ on our alleged relationship, and please pay my $30,000 therapy bill. Goodbye forever.”
“Mom: Boy do I have a Mother’s Day gift for you; me and the kids are coming for a ‘visit.’ I told you about getting fired from my job because I’m bedridden after back surgery, which caused me to lose the house and get a divorce, right? (Guess you were right about her.) Anyway, we won’t be staying with you for too long, just until I get back on my feet (ha, ha, that’ll be the day). P.S.: We’re bringing both pit bulls and the snake. P.S.S: Why don’t you go ahead and upgrade from basic cable to the premium package so the kids can watch all those educational sports programs. P.S.S.S.: Corona is still my favorite beer. ”
“Mom: My life is total bliss at my new home at the Vegan Village of Divine Light and Love. It would be great if you could come for a visit, listen to the Enchanted Leader and join our Organic Rapture Circle. Please don’t tell people I’m in a cult. Those stories and videos on the Internet are all wrong and hateful.”
“Mom: I found a great ‘throwback Thursday’ photo of you that I’ve posted to your Facebook page. It’s the one with you on a Harley Davidson motorcycle. Smoking a joint. Holding a bottle of whiskey. And you’re naked!!! And I think some of your ‘friends’ are operating movie cameras. It would be great if you would show your little ‘film’ next Thanksgiving.”
“Mom: Thanks for giving me your credit card number so I could buy some new tires for my car over the Internet. I used it a couple more times until it got rejected (something about being ‘over the limit’) when I tried to enter the third round of an online poker tournament. You might want to call and see what’s wrong.”
“Mom: The papers from the judge are enclosed. You have three days to pack up and move into the Sunny Village Home. Remember, per the judge’s order, sheriff’s deputies will be there to make sure your clothes are the only thing you take; everything else in the house is now mine. P.S.: Just leave the keys to the vacation cabin (also mine, now) and the BMW on the kitchen counter.”

(Jon Klusmire of Bishop never tries to “catch up.”)

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