Special to The Inyo Register

12-15-2007

Organizers of the Internationally Acclaimed Independence Fruitcake Festival are all a-twitter in anticipation of the third edition of the event, scheduled for Monday, Dec. 17. Although it appears there will be a fruitcake catapult on hand to toss the rock-hard confections across U.S. 395, the big buzz is about the media attention the event has generated.

It’s true. The Fruitcake Festival is no longer “our little secret” in the Owens Valley, where it’s sort of the valley’s version of crazy Aunt Nancy living in the attic that no one really wants to talk about.
The twittering is the result of some national media attention for the rather odd festival, which celebrates the annoying mixture of cheap cake, chunks of cast-off dried fruit, almost-rotten nuts, and enough booze and other preservatives to make a mummy blush that is also known as fruitcake. Sticking with the “only edible when half-filled with booze” theme, this year will also feature eggnog (whoopee), in both “leaded” and “unleaded” versions.
The editors of Country Living magazine somehow heard of the Fruitcake Festival, and even more amazing, decided it was “zany” enough to mention in the December issue (it was one paragraph, but it also was the only event listed for California, which might say more about the disappearance of “country living” in the state than the fruitcake fest). Apparently, the editors decided it was a “man bites fruitcake” sort of story,     since the idea of publicly proclaiming a love of fruitcake is akin to proclaiming a love for a wad of a baked gunk that most closely resembles congealed putty splotched with random clumps of nearly rancid fruits and nuts. Adding to the oddness, and thus the news value of the festival, was that the generally reviled and repulsive holiday hand-me-down “cake” would take top billing at any sort of festival or celebration. That such an event would survive two test runs and be ready for a third, and would actually be growing in fame, acclaim and attendance also added to the intrigue of the event and what kind of people would dare to cook up such a thing.

Believe it or not, revelers at the 2006 couldn’t sample enough of the myriad fruitcake offerings. Organizers are predicting Monday’s 2007 Fruitcake Festival will be as popular as ever. Photo by Jon Klusmire

More disturbing (when considering the vast wasteland that passes for national news these days) was that, much like cups of spiked eggnog, one thing led to another and pretty soon Nancy Masters (she of the big brain and small taste buds) and one of the founders of the event, was being interviewed by National Public Radio. It remains to be seen whether the NPR story will become part of the vast left-wing, liberal conspiracy to shame and belittle traditional Christmas values by hyping chewing on chunks of rum-soaked baked goods and swilling whiskey filled eggnog as a replacement for quietly sipping tea, reading the Bible and eating butter cookies during the holidays.
Once a little national ink was spilled, the local press corps splashed onto the fruitcake bandwagon like a bunch of hungry dogs looking for a scrap, even if that scrap was a chunk of petrified fruitcake.
Rumors have L.A.’s Channel 7 showing up, and even Heuel Howser (another PBS type – that conspiracy theory isn’t sounding so off-base now, is it?) was rumored to be dropping by to make the fest part of his “California Gold” series. (No eggnog bathroom jokes, please.)
And while such publicity might make other festival organizers start making plans for a big crowd, the cold reality is that if eight or nine folks make the four-hour drive from L.A. to look at fruitcakes for a couple of hours then drive back home, they are nuttier than the cakes they would travel so far to admire.
Regardless, Masters believes in the power of the fruitcake as strongly as a 4-year-old believes in Santa Claus, so there will be some accommodations for the expected “surge” in visitors. The main change will involve heaters on the big, sweeping porch of the Winnedumah. Again, the sanity of anyone who would come to a fruitcake festival is suspect, and so anyone who would stand outside in the cold just to get a look at a fruitcake festival and sing a rousing chorus of “All I Want is that Fruitcake in the Window” would probably qualify for a spot on a counselor’s couch.
But enough about fruitcake; on to the eggnog. While fruitcake deserves all the slander and scorn that can be heaped upon it, eggnog deserves nothing but praise and adoration as a true Christmas delight. The stuff is sweeter than straight sugar water, contains about 300 calories a teaspoon and tastes like the true elixir of the Gods.
So, besides bringing fruitcake to share and snicker at, participants are also asked to bring eggnog, preferably in plastic milk jugs (cups will be provided). Oh, and don’t get all wound up in the “recipe.” One potential eggnog entrant explained she had purchased all the ingredients: bourbon, rum and brandy. Notice no eggnog was purchased. An oversight? One would hope not.
Once again, the Fruitcake King will be Jon Klusmire, who was “awarded” the title during the first fest and then was told English Common Law and the Divine Right of Kings mandate that he cannot pass on the crown (an ill-fitting Styrofoam circle covered with brown paint and three-year-old, broken candy canes) until he is beheaded by the mob. His Lordship’s idea to “tax” every entrant and put the cash into the “royal treasury” was nixed by the Privy Council, whatever that is.
The king’s only real duty is to select who will eat a sample of the “civil defense fruitcake,” which has now lasted for three years in a can. Maybe one of those, big-city TV types should do the honors, just so everyone could watch the color drain out of their face when chowing down on an ancient fruitcake.
The local band, the Indy Fruit and Nut Pickers will provide music for the evening, with the festivities starting at 6:30 p.m.
Rumors are also circulating that a catapult has been erected to toss fruitcakes across Main Street. The cakes would serve as “traffic calming devices.” Engineers from Caltrans, particularly the ones who are planning to cut down the trees north of town to create a four-lane, are being asked to serve as targets.
For more information on the Third Annual Internationally Acclaimed  Independence  Fruitcake Festival, call your local liquor store, therapist or (760) 878-2053.